


Where I Can't Follow

by EgoDominusTuus



Series: Scars and Stripes [1]
Category: Captain America, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Universe - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Angst, Carrying the Torch, If I continue... expect smut, M/M, More tags if I write more, Post Civil War, Rating May Change, Slow Burn, Spoilers, Stucky - Freeform, civil war spoilers, steve loves bucky, steve x bucky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 07:05:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6972199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EgoDominusTuus/pseuds/EgoDominusTuus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a bit of Steve/Bucky drabble that might turn into an epic fic later. Who knows.<br/>--<br/>Steve's always had one question for Bucky. <i>Why do you go where I can't follow?</i><br/>He means it now more than ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where I Can't Follow

_Why do you have to go where I can't follow?_

I'd asked the question more than once, but it had never been an audible thing. Every time Bucky had left me, through every circumstance, there was a part of me that had cried the words out in pain, in resentment. In _sorrow_.

He'd always gone where I couldn't follow, and every time he'd left, the hole in my heart had gotten a little bigger.

I'd tried to fill it - I was an Avenger, and most of my time was spent worrying about the fate of humanity.

I was a good soldier, and I went where I was needed.

I was a man, and I'd kissed Sharon Carter, following the signs that pointed to romance.

While I'd done it, I'd felt nothing but the hot line of Buck's eyes on the back of my neck, and the fact that he was there, watching me.

~~The fact that it was his lips that I'd have rather been kissing.~~

It had always been this way, though. He'd signed up for the military, and I hadn't been able to follow. I'd wanted nothing more than to stay with him, to stay with the tall man who'd always stood up for me, always had my back.

I wanted to stay with the tall man who'd given me my first kiss, while were were both drunk one New Years Eve.

I wanted to stay with him forever then, and I wanted to stay with him forever now.

But he was going somewhere that I couldn't follow.

It was his decision, of course. It was one that I couldn't make for him - and I didn't know how to wrench up the courage to beg him, _please, don't leave again,_ when he stepped into the cryogenic pod, giving me a small look with eyes heavy laden by the burden of keeping others safe.

Even at the cost of his own sacrifice.

I wanted to tell him then - please, don't leave me. Don't go where I can't follow you, Buck...

But I hadn't. I'd watched the tube close, and I'd been the last thing he could see.

King T'Challa had promised to keep him safe, and his dark eyes had seen right through the guise of _friend_ that I'd been putting on. Not that I'd done that good of a job at it - I'd thrown away everything, almost my own life, to keep Buck safe.

I'd have done it again in a heartbeat. And now, I was leaving him in the hands of a man who'd wanted nothing more than to end his life not too long ago. But I trusted the King... I just didn't trust myself.

I didn't know if I could leave the island, leave him there.

I frowned, and I'd asked to stay the night, to make my journey in the morning.

I'd frowned, and he'd seen straight through my facade. His eyes had been full of kind sympathy and wisdom when he told me I was free to stay for as long as I'd like.

He didn't lock the doors to the lab where Bucky was resting... and I had a feeling that he'd done intentionally, with a purpose.

I couldn't sleep that night, and as soon as the facility fell to the curtain of darkness, I found myself getting up and out of the bed that had been made for me. My feet carried me to where my heart was resting... and the soft blue lights that shone a near halo on Buck's face lit my way. I found myself sinking to my knees in front of the glass.

My hand came up, and no shield, no mask, no suit of armor could protect me from the emotions that cascaded across my nerves.

"Buck..?" As though he could hear me. I wished that he could - I wished I'd had the bravery to say these things to him earlier. I could save the world, I could face down aliens and friends alike... but I couldn't tell him how I felt.

I'd never been able to, not really.

"Bucky..." And my hand came up to join its brother, pressing to the glass, as though I could meld through it and finally be where I wanted to be.

"Why did you go where I couldn't follow you, _again_." And my heart ached with the words, my confession coming far too late. "I... need you." I leaned my head against the glass, and it was cool. If I closed my eyes, I could pretend that we were resting together, that he'd wake when I did. That his beautiful, guilt stricken face would come to life, full of peace and cleansed of the horrors that he'd been through, that he'd committed.

More words stung at the back of my tongue - words that I'd never really said, not in the right context. Words that were thick on my heart, and had driven me to do everything that I could to keep him safe. Words that were as true to me as the shield that I'd carried, as true as the life that I'd sworn to lead - my need to protect others.

Maybe truer than all of that together, because they were the words that pulsed and resonated in my very soul.

" _I love you, Bucky._ " Soft, so soft that even if he'd been awake, he might not have heard me. But they were there, and they were thick with emotions... and I'd spoken them too late, because he was asleep beneath the glass, and I couldn't bring him out.

No matter how much I needed him.

No matter how much I wanted to.

All that I could do, in that moment, was lean against the smooth surface surrounding him and close my eyes tighter... and hope that when I dreamed, I'd dream of a different outcome than what had happened.

When I woke up, I'd don my mask again - the mask of Captain America, a man brave and strong. I'd help my friends, and I'd set the world back to how it should have been - to how it needed to be.

But for now... all that I wanted to do was rest. Rest, and pretend that we were just sleeping, the two of us. That I was with him.

That he hadn't gone where I couldn't follow, again _._

And maybe, when I woke, I'd start to work towards finally bringing him back to me. For good. So that I could say the words I'd said in the silence to his face, finally. So that I could tell him--

I just needed to find a way to clear his head. And that was my problem for tomorrow. For now, there was just the silence, and Buck resting behind me.

There was just the hope of dreams that gave a better reality than what I was facing... and a world where I could finally follow Bucky into a better future.

But for now, I leaned against the cool glass, giving my best friend one last look before closing my eyes and letting myself drift.


End file.
